butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is wine microwaveable?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
