Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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