To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize