I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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