Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
