dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
