I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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