so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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