I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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