This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
