he was CRYING into my vagina
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
