update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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