I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
