every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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