We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
