he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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