Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
