So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
