The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
