my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
