alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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