the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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