He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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