the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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