she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
