You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
