I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My vagina just recognized that song.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
