Just fell off a train. Bad.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
