his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
