you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
