Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
