The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
