Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
