Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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