his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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