Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
