Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
