I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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