There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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