My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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