Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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