Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize