you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize