you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
