did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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