how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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