i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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