I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
