Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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