Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
