I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
