I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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