I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
