Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
