i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
