I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
