i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I am available for nakedness
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
