Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
