I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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