I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
