a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
