I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
