So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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